


Running Away

by madsmurf



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Brother-Sister Relationships, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Emotions, Gen, Guilt, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Movie Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 17:38:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5635834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madsmurf/pseuds/madsmurf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When darkness crashes around him, he does the only thing he can think of. He runs.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Running Away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AFireInTheAttic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFireInTheAttic/gifts), [ninemoons42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninemoons42/gifts).



> Okay, so I was chatting away with Steen and I was like I'm gonna write you angst fic because i'm trash like that and I did. Here is the end product, polished up by the ever lovely and forever fantastic PJ. So they both get it gifted to them. Boom.
> 
> This fic is a bunch of firsts. It's my first fic of the year. It is my first star wars fic, ever. I hope I did it justice.

When all his padawans die and he is left standing, he doesn't know what to do. He is left in the crumbling ruins of what used to be his school and the corpses of the people that he had taught, splayed around him. They had looked up to him. He had helped them all become something more. For the first time in a long time he’s scared. Terrified even.

He runs.

Regrets it as soon as he's three systems away and wants to turn back. Wants to face Leia and Han. Wants to fall to his knees and to beg for their forgiveness, tell them that he's sorry. That he should have stopped it. Should have seen it coming. Should have tried harder. Should have been better.

He can't. So he runs. Runs until he finds it. The island of myths. The Jedi island. And there he stays. For years. Ignores the cries of all the fallen Jedi. Hides away until he doesn't hear any more cries. Until he's the only one left. The last Jedi.

Sometimes, in the dead of the night, with the waves crashing against the rocks, he can hear Leia. The way she mourns for her lost son. For Han who had run, unable to express his feelings. Just like he had.

He misses them both. It makes him cry, his heart ache, and on those nights he thinks about going back. To Han. To Leia.

Instead he stays on his island. Too afraid to confront his own fear and guilt. He wonders if his father had felt like this. He doesn't dwell on it for too long. Throws himself into his training, to battle away the darkness that whispers to him.

Other nights, he thinks of contacting Leia. To let her know that he was okay. That she didn't have to worry. He prays every day that she never tries to improve her abilities. Too afraid that if she did they'd come for her.

He couldn't lose her.

The only family he had left.

Ben, Ben was her family. He had never been much of an uncle. Maybe if he had he would have noticed the way the darkness had tempted him. So he says nothing and trains. Day in and day out. It is a repetitive cycle, it becomes almost a comfort.

Some days he hears Han and those days he laughs himself silly. Han was always trying to talk his way out of things and he thinks fondly that one day Han was going to bite off more than he could chew. He keeps an eye on Han when he can. Trickles disasters his way when things get tough, to help sweep away the threats, and he smiles when Han whoops and cheers with Chewie.

He sends rain when Leia needs it and smiles when her favourite flower grows and covers the fields. Hears the rumours between the cadets and pilots, wondering how the flowers could even grow. Leia's smile is worth every petal.

He doesn't know what else to do. So he does those things.

Years pass in routine and meditation, through comfort and the whispers of Leia and Han.

Halfway through his meditation session he crumbles and the earth under his fingertips splits in half.

Han.

He screams.

Wind whips and smacks his face. Waves reach the top of the island and the rocks crumble under his rage. It was all his fault. If he had only. Had only seen what Ben would do.

No.

Kylo Ren.

Ben Organa had died today.

He sobs as he feels Leia's pain. Shakes and trembles as she pushes back her pain and continues to command. The sea is violent and he wants to leave, to destroy Kylo Ren. To stop what he had helped create. Instead he struggles to calm his mind. To focus. His rage is too bright and he's staggering halfway down the stairs before he comes to his senses.

A wave of calm washes over him and he feels her.

The girl.

Instead of racing blindly forward he stops and breathes. The waves calm and the wind simmers down to a gentle breeze. Wiping away his tears, he turns back and begins to work.

The grave takes him three days to build.

It would have been done sooner if it had been anyone but Han. He crumbles in grief every time he tries to shape the right formation. So instead of a few hours, it is a few days. Once it is built, he doesn't leave.

Stays and waits.

If he closes his eyes he can see Han and he falls apart every time.

He feels it when they complete the map. Feels Leia's joy and that girl's hope.

He closes his eyes, takes a breath, and sees Han who grins, young and vibrant. "Good luck kid. She's a spirited one."

And for the first time in years, he smiles.


End file.
